theunmentionables

my life…

has been consumed by korean dramas. gg.

peace of mind

Hokay, so I’m writing this blog in hopes that by the time I finish venting, I’ll be back to study mode.  DAT is coming up, 2 days from now, and to be quite honest, I am scared and tripping balls.  Just a forewarning: this is perhaps the biggest QQ blog ever, but I’m writing it for the homeostasis of my own personal sanity, so…suck it. GG, let’s begin.

Everyone I talk to usually tells me the same thing.  “You’re smart.”  “You’ll do fine.”  “Don’t worry about it.”  “Don’t trip.”  But I can’t help but trip.  Any optimism that I seem to find suddenly vanishes as quickly as it forms (aka shitty half-life).  All these feelings of guilt and anxiety are running through my veins (which eventually lead back to the superior and inferior vena cava into the right atrium), and I honestly can’t help it.  Questions like “will all the studying and preparation I’ve done for the past month and a half be suffient enough” constantly wrack my brain (whose left and right hemispheres are connected with the myelinated corpus collusum) and leave me feeling so unconfident and so anxious that it’s ridiculous.

Right now, I feel the full spectrum (x-ray to radiowave) of inadequacy.  I’m so scared of failure yet, I can’t seem to focus, buckle-down, and get in the mindset to pwn and backside attack the hell (with 100% inversion of configuration) out of this shit.  I think I may just be psyching myself out so that I WILL do badly, but I can’t get rid of this overwhelming feeling (like how you can’t get rid of Cestoda once it attaches to your intestinal walls, derived from the endoderm, gg).

I’m worried that all I’ve done, that all I’ve worked for, will all go to colossal, nitrogenous waste (urea, formed in the liver, in mammals, ammonia in fish, uric acid in bugs, birds, and reptiles).

But…I guess that in the bigger scheme of things, this will be a tiny thing that I will eventually look back on and inevitably forget.  But for a long time, this has tertiarily consumed my life. So for me, this feels like everything…at least until Saturday passes.

Oh yes, test anxiety at its finest.

the brief wondrous life of oscar wao

Sometimes we can’t control the bad things that happen in our lives, but I guess all we can really do is hold our heads up high, assured of the happiness that lays beyond the horizon.

The Dominican Republic, where part of the story takes place

gleaning for optimism

In 4 days I will be taking the most important test of my life thus far, so I’m on a scramble to find things to help me stay positive.

not making friends but enemies?

I think I’ve come to realize that no matter how much time I spend on Downelink, I’ll never find what I’m looking for.  QQ?  QQ..

It’s hard to make and maintain online friendships.  With no sort of physical interaction—back-and-forth messaging not included—I don’t see how anything can come to fruition.  It’ll just be two strangers asking each other questions about the other, “getting to know each other” in a sense, but not really getting to know the other as true friends should.

Anyway, with that said, I just wanted to QQ and say that one of the things that bugs me most about the “gay scene” is its lack of depth and genuineness, concerned only with being the Queen Bee Regina George and the fiercest, prettiest faggot who never gave a fuck.  Morals, regard for the opinions of others, and respectability thrown out of the window for fun, promiscuity, and the s-e-x.  That’s fine, but it should be no surprise then that Prop 8 did pass a couple months ago.  We QQ and fight for equality but what are we truly doing to show the people who vote on our lives that we’re not queer, that we’re not hypocritical, that we’re not promiscuous, that we’re not different?

One of the big things in high school that they made sure to engrain before we gradutated was that as the leaders of the future, we should “lead by example.”  But if all we’re doing is showing the majority of the world the streotypical gay, how can we ever expect people’s opinion of us to change?

cool desert breeze

It seems I’ve forgotten what this feels like.  It’s usually a nice, pleasant feeling where I get to do a lot of reflection and self-meditation.  This may have been a good last push for the homestretch, but let’s keep it at “may.”

I just wanted to share one of my most favorite memories of the night:

Imagine that you’re in the desert.  It’s pretty cool, but not too cold.  There’s a gentle breeze blowing by that’s bringing in the fresh desert air—it’s almost refreshing.  You set a fire, and you’re just watching the thin flames dance slowly and gracefully admist the dark and vivid starry sky.

Tonight, I’ve also gotten the opportunity to peek inside someone else’s life, just a little aspect of it.  And it got me wondering what it would be like to live as someone else.  Each memory of yours is unique.  It’s your own recollections of a past event that only you were a part of.  No one else will remember it the same way you do.  Each sequence of events, different.  The little details no one else remembers but you.  So maybe that’s what I’m looking for.  The one person who will remember the same things I do, the one who will live my life, and the one whose life I’ll live.